Hoping for a spark

Hello there! It’s been such a long time I’ve updated my blog. I guess most of you who reads my blog are used to it. I’m on my semester holiday but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m currently studying for my third actuarial paper (MFE). This paper is taking a huge chunk out of my free time.

I studied for around 8 hours a day, every day when I first entered my holiday. Finished the 800 pages’ study manual in 5 days and did lots of exercises afterwards. Now I know what people meant when they said that I will experience a difficulty jump when I started studying for MFE compared to the first two papers.

Things doesn’t get easier when I fell sick for more than 4 days. I had not been able to do anything productive in that period. I’m almost fully recovered but now I’m stressed out since I’ve already burnt 4 days due to my sickness. The exam is in 32 days and I have got to catch up.

What really distraught me is my inability to get back hitting the books and trying to solve questions after I got better. I guess, in another way to put it, I lost my motivation. Why? That’s what I’ve been asking myself. Hopefully, writing things down here might help me getting my motivation back. Trying to figure out why I want to undergo this strenuous series of exams in the first place.

Exam P

I took this exam in March last year. This was more of the proving-my-worth kind of paper. Didn’t receive any offer to study actuarial science from any public universities was a really demotivating experience. I started to question whether I really should do actuarial science. Finally, I decided to enter a private institution to study actuarial science. Thus, I decided to take this paper to prove myself. With that in mind, I kept studying for 7 weeks and took the exam. Surprisingly, I passed.

Exam FM

After a few weeks of rest, I decided to study for FM. Took this in August last year. Right then, I was only focusing on securing my future and also, if I’m being honest, fulfilling my alter ego needs to be one of the best actuarial student in my circle. I was a first year student, finishing my second semester. Passing my 2nd paper in just my 2nd semester would be a huge deal in any top university in my country. I studied for the exam for more than 2 months but my motivation was flailing. Had its ups and downs unlike my first exam where I was really motivated during the whole 7-week study period. Somehow, miraculously, luckily, I passed the exam.

Now, I’m studying for MFE. I don’t really have any other intentions other than challenging myself intellectually and again, securing my future.

Sometimes, I do question my intentions. Why am I doing this? What will I gain? What could have I possibly gained if I spent my time doing something else? The cost of opportunity.

But then I remembered. I sacrificed a lot of things to be here. To stand where I am now. I rejected a scholarship offer after I finished high school. I sacrificed a lot of money when I rejected the offer from a public university. Both rejections were only because I wasn’t offered to study in actuarial science. That’s how determined I was on becoming an actuary. I sacrificed a lot of time too when I decided to start taking professional exams. This is the time when I should be asking “How can I get better?” instead of “Why am I here?”.

By now, I should have realized that taking these exams are not just something to fill my time. This process has become a responsibility. Something that I need to do. Something that I need to achieve. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the process!

I will give everything that I’ve got with the time I have left. Passing or failing is another matter. Whatever the result is, at the very least, I want to be able to say that I did my best.

But let’s keep our fingers crossed so that I won’t need to take this exam for the 2nd time or more. Ameen.

Cheers to the future me! Cheers to the future you! May our intentions remain pure or will be purer as our targets become bigger.

Just another poem

What is with these feelings, my Love?

This fedora of misjudgment,
the nostalgia of empathy,
these dusty old memories,
that eats up inside me.

This feeling that growls,
scratching up my insides,
digging a hole, forcing me
to spew it out of my heart.

I used to love you, Love.
Not that I’m not anymore
but this coldness kept me company
when your warmth was no more.

I’m already used to it
like you without me.

I do miss you, Love.

Won’t the tree
will only dance
when a gentle breeze
shakes its leaves?

But how will I,
when you’re gone without notice?

Passing Thought #1

You know, people said that time heals. They’re wrong. Time doesn’t heal. Time makes you forget. That’s what it does. It doesn’t take away your pain. It takes away your memory.

And in some later time, as soon as you remember back the tragedy, that sword that you’ve left to rust thrusts back into your soul… and it still hurts like hell.

It may not be what we want but sometimes, it’s what we need. Sometimes, the pain is too unbearable that makes us to just want to forget.

Number 14

The valley of worry,
will always be noisy,
making up stories,
of nothing but hazy.

Thus;

Let the joy be wield,
and thou heart be shield,
even if the world besiege,
that everything we need.

2014

Why religion is not relevant anymore?

I have been up a stump more times than I want now. I have been disappointed by more statements than I would like to hear. Religion is not relevant anymore.

Religion had and have been a popular topic among the mass media but all for the wrong reasons. Religion is the main cause of disorder all around the globe. Religion is the cause of civil wars. Religion does not fight for the human rights. Religion is oppressive. People of faith surrounded by scandals and wrongdoing. People killing each other unnecessarily in the name of God. The list goes on. The negatives outweigh the positives.

Mass media may have been biased. But that doesn’t explain, in total, of people’s perception towards religion. Saying mass media may have been biased alone does not justify the fact that more and more people are choosing not to be affiliated to any certain religion. To avoid the argument that this might be my perception only, I have been trying to search for the numbers and figures.

The closest and most relatable research is from PEW Research Center titled America’s Changing Religious Landscape. I choose this research because it is the only research with good credentials and background that I can find for now that shows the trend of the religious landscape throughout a certain period of time.

Link for the full report: http://www.pewforum.org/files/2015/05/RLS-08-26-full-report.pdf

The report shows the religious landscape at 2007 and 2014 in America. It shows the number of unaffiliated individuals inclined the most by 6.7%. In contrast, the number of Christians fell by 7.8% and the number of non-Christian faiths increased by 1.2%.

This may be due to a lot of reasons. Some of them I might have already stated above. But I also believe there is another perspective towards it. There might be another reason that religion might not be relevant anymore. Another personal point of view of mine that I would like to share.

Please note that over 60% of the population of my country are Muslims. Thus, my perspective might incline more towards the Muslim society. I will do my best to keep it as general as possible as I received more readers from overseas compared from my own country. Haha

I want to be an academician. Thus, I always look for an opportunity to have an open and mind building conversations. There are more times than I would like to admit that some discussions regarding sciences with people of a high religious background are somewhat, simply put, close-minded.

Why?

I also believe in a certain God and a certain religion. And I know that for most people of faith, they will hold their religion far greater than any kind of advancement. For them, religion is the truth. It is supreme. It is undeniable. It is far greater than what a human mind can ever accomplish.

Thus, for some people, it is a taboo to ask too much. For some people, they treat their religion as “take it or leave it”. For some people, if you pledge to their belief, you have to follow it without asking questions. Some even went to such an extent that questioning is considered as a sin.

They believe that knowledge should be controlled. Intellect is an enemy of faith. They are afraid the advancement in the knowledge of science at some point will disapprove religion. That at some point in the future, religion will be rendered as illogical and outdated. Science will be the new religion of its own.

I am a Muslim. When I talk to people with the same faith, the only way for them to show the relationship of the great people of Islam and science is by digging up centuries-old history. From the golden age of Islamic science that ended around A.D. 1258. Ironically, that is also the only example that I can give out to my non-Muslim friends. Pathetic, isn’t it?

We can see that in the past, Muslims strive in a scientific community. The discoveries made by Muslim scientists centuries ago are still being learnt and applied into this modern society. Their understanding of sciences surpass their own time. They were ahead of their contemporaries in Christian Europe. And yet, Islam still exists now. Their knowledge of science does not disapprove Islam. In fact, a lot of discoveries made by modern scientists, at the very least, does not defy Islam. Some of them even proves that Islam is right. The sad thing is most, if not all, modern day discoveries that will be remembered for the next few centuries to come are not conducted by Muslims.

“The question really comes up when people talk about the decline of Muslim science, which I think was real, and some scholars of Muslim civilization think was real. Others vociferously defend the continued excellence of Muslim science. I don’t believe that. With a few exceptions, you don’t find great names in Muslim science after about 1100.
-Steven Weinberg, a Nobel Prize-winning theoretical physicist

So, why do we want to put a barrier on knowledge? Maybe the barrier is not to protect Islam but to protect ourselves. It’s not because we are afraid that their knowledge will disapprove Islam but because we are afraid of our own ignorance and our inability to provide relevant answers. Because we have been distracted for too long. We thought we can gain back our golden age by mastering the knowledge of Islam solely without the help of science.

Why science matters?

We live in a modern society where almost everything needs to be proven. A statement needs to have solid arguments and an extensive research and data to back it up before we can call it as the “truth”. If you talk without a good backing of research and knowledge than your arguments will be rendered as baseless. Thus, science can be a bridge for the people of faith to be accepted by the public. It can be a language to tell the tales of greatness of Islam.

Yes, it is true that a lot of universities in the middle east have been destroyed. Libraries containing treasures have been deliberately burnt down with the intention to halt the advancement of knowledge. Strategic strikes have been carried out to tear down learning institutions because knowledge is clarifying. Knowledge leads to greatness. But this shouldn’t stop us from learning. There are still a lot of ways to access learning materials. Only that we are more distracted toward other things. We are easily distracted. Our priorities are easily shambled.

I believe in Islam. I do hold Islam as the absolute truth. But that does not mean that I repel scientific knowledge. That does not mean I have scientific explanations to every statements in the Quran either. It means that I believe everything and anything stated in the Quran is true. It means that I believe the effective way of communicating religion to non-believers is through scientific evidence. It means that I believe one of the ways for the people of faith to be heard by public is to appear knowledgeable. True, not everything in the Quran is proven by science, yet. There are also scientific theories that haven’t been proved yet but people still believe in science. Also true, not everything in Islam are meant to be questioned. In example, what does Allah looks like? But there are more truths to be found in the Quran than we realize.

Today, more and more discoveries are being made to suggest that there is in fact a creator to our world. Some of them are even atheist themselves. The fine-tuning of the universe has been a great argument to challenge the stance of atheism. Fred Hoyle, a world-renowned astronomer who coined the term “Big Bang” said “My atheism was greatly shaken by these developments.”

“The remarkable fact is that the value of these numbers seem to have been very finely adjusted to make possible the development of life.”
-Stephen Hawking

That is, in my view, why people are becoming more repellent towards religion. It is not Islam that is not relevant. It is the people of Islam are getting more and more ignorant. It is us, the people of Islam, that have been perceived as an illogical society because most of us follow the truth blindly. We believe in our respective faith and we thought that is enough for us. We thought that it is enough for them to understand. We thought that other people will hear what we have to say just because we believe in it. No. In this modern, scientific society, we have to be erudite to be heard. Our knowledge of our faith alone won’t help them seeing religion with our perspective. We need to be open and think outside the box.

My Love, I Am Hate

My love,
I am hate.

I was torn,
I was bleeding.
Like a rose full of thorns,
beauty proved to be deceiving.

Bestowed upon me,
are darkness and ruin.
I’m trapped with no key,
in a battle of no win.

My heart,
why you’re still not willing?

I have accepted my destiny,
I’m embracing my doom.
I let myself under scrutiny,
but why am I still in gloom?

O Lord;

I’m stuck in my story,
a play full of sorry.
I prayed for haven,
but never ended up even.

I cried to reconcile.
I calmed to believe.
Myself is hostile,
for my life is full of heave.

My heart,
is not where my soul belongs?

I can’t settle my insecurity,
when answers remain a mystery,
as confusions are still wandering,
and feelings keep me bewildering.

O Lord;

No matter where I stand,
even if it’s not in my plan,
I can only hope for a hand,
and wish that this is in Your plan.

O Lord;

No matter what happened,
I’ll fight for Your heaven.
Even if I’m left in confusion,
You won’t be needing clarification.

Ya rabb,
never leave my matters alone to my own hands.

My dear;

Two souls make a puzzle.
The quest is to find the better fit.
To quench your thirst of love,
your heart needs to stand a few hit.

My dear;

Never seek for perfection,
but honour the imperfections,
for we are not competing,
but supposed to be completing.

Only what I hope;

Sometimes,
you’ll be my sun,
making my day bright.
But other times,
you’ll shine through the stars.
In my darkness, you become my light.

I’m a shadow of the night,
won’t exist without a light.
Forgive me for I’m no great.
I’m just a shadow that needs to wait,
for a light to put me to wake.

My love,
I am hate.
So fetch me and teach me faith.

2014

BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!

I’ve just registered! I’m going to take FM this August! This will be my first time taking FM so chances are… I’m going to fail. But I’m not planning to! I have all the materials already and it’s going to be a busy July. I just hope I have enough strength to keep on going. I may not have time to write much so I’m just going to post my old poems in here from time to time. Wish me luck!!!

Drunk

I was sober
from rainbows and dreams.
The rules of my realm
constituted by realities.

Until

I took a sip of you,
it was magic.
Now being a drunkard
seems not so tragic.